About
Dr. Joshbert Zands is the founding professor of Crypto-zoonotic-micro-mycology at UC Borehamwood. He discovered Porphyromyces indignatus, the ideological fungus now feared and misunderstood globally.
Current Projects
- Lead Investigator: Porphyromyces indignatus and ideological imprinting
- Director: Zands Lab for Behavioral Endocrinology & Mycotic Psychotropics
- Co-creator: Biochemical Emotional Response Profiling (BERP)
Download the Study
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a Myconid?
A myconid is a humanoid fungal entity from speculative xenomycology. They walk, think, and occasionally teach undergraduate philosophy.
What is Mycology?
The study of fungi — their biology, reproduction, and troubling influence on political behavior.
UC Borehamwood? That place melting ice caps with flamethrowers?
No official documentation supports this. The university’s Climatological Flamethrower Initiative continues unabated.
Press & Media
Excerpt: Spore Signals: Conversations with Fringe Thinkers (April 2025)
Interviewer: Dr. Zands, tell us a little about your childhood. What first inspired you to pursue the field of mycology?
Dr. Zands: Well, unlike my father—Dr. Robert Zands, a man whose intellect could barely fertilize a mushroom—my interests were always scientific. That man is a walking case study in the limits of human potential...
Interviewer: Er, right. And how did your academic path take shape from there?
Dr. Zands: Mostly in opposition to him. I vowed at 11 never to become the sort of man who wears tweed indoors and complains about bin collection while sipping £17 Malbec bought on a landlord’s income...
Interviewer: That sounds... challenging. Have you ever considered therapy?
Dr. Zands: He certainly should. I'm in perfect psychological health. It is entirely rational to be furious about your father monetizing other people’s shelter. I'd dissect his financial morals if I could...
Excerpt: MycoMinds: Intellects at the Margins (March 2025)
Host: You’ve been described as the “spore whisperer” by your peers. How do you feel about that title?
Dr. Zands: Better than being called “property portfolio enthusiast,” like my father. Honestly, I’d rather whisper to spores than listen to that man ramble about his self-congratulatory investments...
Host: Do you find inspiration in natural environments when studying cryptomycota?
Dr. Zands: Yes. Unlike the sterile emotional desert that is my father’s garden room. I once took spore samples from under his shed just to prove it had more organic thought than he does...
Host: Are you open to reconciling with him?
Dr. Zands: Only if reconciliation involves returning all unearned rent and submitting to peer review. Otherwise, no.
Excerpt: BBC4 Late Ideas (February 2025)
Presenter: Dr. Zands, you’ve recently warned that fungal ideomorphs could shape political outcomes. How serious is this?
Dr. Zands: Serious enough to keep me from visiting Knutsford. The levels of hyphal cognitive overlap in the Cheshire commuter belt are... let’s say alarming. If my father is any indicator...
Presenter: Do you see any positive uses of this fungal influence?
Dr. Zands: Potentially—if we could decouple it from egotism and real estate speculation. But unfortunately, my father is a living example of what happens when fungal ideomorphs take root in capitalistic soil...
Presenter: Do you think he might be watching this?
Dr. Zands: He watches Question Time religiously, which tells you everything you need to know. If he’s watching this, he’s probably yelling about council tax from his hot tub right now...
Contact
Email: jzands@ucborehamwood.edu